Because

So, on a good note, Cotton is doing FABULOUS these days. Did I mention how much I LOVE his psychiatrist!! Maybe he could do something for me hmmmm... oh yeah, back to Cotton. So well, that my husband had to leave for a few days and he did not totally freak out beyond recognition... holler! He did say "Daddy at grandma's, Daddy home!" He was also very concerned about "Daddy's truck." Once I explained that both were good he said "Daddy talk, Daddy talk ipad." Are you noticing a trend here, homeboy is talking.... ALOT! It is pretty wild given that he just turned nine, but we are in the middle of a giant language explosion... I reiterate.. holler.

I will now amuse you with some of more of his verbal antics. He has been for sometime now going up to Landon and saying "Landon hurt," obviously that has not gone over well. The other day he said "Landon hurt." Then he got up in Landon's face and said "Landon hurt, Landon wrestle!!!" It was good to know that he actually has wanted to wrestle with his brother, and not hurt him. A wrestling match ensued, and sure enough one of them was immediately "hurt." He has been inviting Landon to do all kinds of things, "Landon, I want jump." etc.

While at Walmart the other day he looked up at the cashier and said "Walmart sticker." She didn't have any, but you better believe I got that boy a sticker. When I have asked him to do something he is answering with "you betcha." I blame his sassy aide for that one, as well as the next. He was saying Aunt Jee, Uncle D over and over again, I asked him "Why Aunt Jee and Uncle D?" He looked at me smiled and said "because."

Struggle

Cotton, was not a child that struggled. His nature is (for the most part) calm, and passive. Rev, has struggled for a long time. It seems like he is always in a state of frustration. Cotton really doesn't seem to mind that he isn't able to speak, he makes his point known, but he is infinitely patient with his audience.  Rev, can speak, he CAN say anything, but the words don't come when he needs them, and he really NEEDS them. He cannot handle his body when the answer is no. He struggles.

You would think that doing this the second time around would be easier. That the grief period would be shorter. It's not, I struggle.

There is less shock, and that is helpful, but there still is a layer of confusion. It seems like a cosmic joke, or more like cosmic cruelty. But, you have no choice in such matters, you wake up, you get out of bed, you comb your hair, take your kids to school, clean your house, and think. You think of ways to help, you make visual schedules, and choice boards, you sew weighted bags to throw when one is too angry to control ones body. You set up "calming corners," and brush your child, you give them joint compressions. You have many tools to help them find the words, and they help, but still it is a struggle.

I wanted this road to acceptance to be more private. I truly believed that Rev was going to "snap out of this." Part of me still secretly believes this. But, he turns four next week. Four. My time for denial (although I have had him in all the therapies for years) is coming to an end. Our struggle has just begun, and I am so tired. I wanted to get through the grief the second time around quickly. I wanted it over with, done. It doesn't work like that, and we live in a world where no one has patience for anyone struggling, much less struggling twice. So, I'll bring it here in my not so private way, because it is struggling to get out.